I’m lying naked on the bathroom floor, after a hot bath, not feeling I’m quite ready for bed yet.
Been feeling a bit impatient, anxious for upcoming changes and yet still trying to cherish all the things I love about being here, which is mostly just my time. Specifically, my time with J. and my free time outside of work.
J. and I still laugh every day, and lately, it’s as if we’ve been laughing harder than ever. Like any other couple, there are things that drive us nuts about each other, but for the most part, we have fun. We’ve been walking to work (if it’s not raining), ditching the car (if we aren’t doing a grocery pick up) and enjoying being able to see each other throughout the day (if we aren’t doing real work) since we are in the same building. Yet it will be very different for us in a month’s time. Or just forever. Who the fuck knows.
Of course, being a person who enjoys change and welcomes it, I know it would be absolute torture to be trapped in the same cycle forever. I can’t say that I’ve been very good at staying put in life; the fact that I’ve even been at the same job for 4 year is a record for me. Financing the Honda CRV was a good idea, as it gave me a financial ball-and-chain that would tie me to Canada. I just didn’t think that my relationship would have been an even better incentive.
What happens in the future is unknown. I’m happy in my relationship – although my family hears a disproportionate part of the parts that drives me absolutely batty – and I, ummmm …. well, we would like to make an effort to be together, despite the distance.
In the long range of things, there are lots of factors I can’t predict. The vision is to obviously land in an urban environment together and both be employed and happy, compromising where we need to based on the other’s needs. We’re trying to focus on the same target but yet the vision is blurred and both of us may be seeing it from different angles. We don’t know where we will land, although Ottawa has been discussed. The future is in unknown.
Officially, I will be leaving in 2 weeks. I’m not even packed yet and report cards are due Friday. Mentally, I’m sort of checked out at work, but still going through the motions and wrapping things up. I can’t say I care about too much at this point, as students are writing their exams and I don’t have to teach. If they’ve prepared themselves and studied, then they’ll do okay. If they’ve been apathetic for the past few months, it’s too late in the game to change anything.
So I’ve been distracting myself. I managed to finish season 6 of HBO Girls, generate more layouts for my new Leuchtturm1917, keep reading my British books and WhatsApp with my friends online. I mean, it’s not much more different than what usually happens, but perhaps waaaaay more TV time than I usually have. It’s not particularly exciting but it keeps me occupied.*
I’m hoping that at least, once the report card marks go in, I can breathe a bit.
I’m looking forward to it being Saturday!
*The original plan was to distract myself in the evenings with kayaking, but with a) the cool weather we’d been having and b) the lack of wetsuit, I’m not going into the Rupert River this week. The Hullavator, a.k.a. Metal Antlers, are still in the basement.