YouTube Creators of Change: White Male, Asian Female

A powerful video by Natalie Tran (39 minutes). I’ve mainly had white male partners in the past, out of personal preference, although I’ve also dated a couple of Asian men.

It shocked me to see that Natalie’s video brings up the fact that Asian women are receiving hateful comments for dating white males. As a feminist, I’m only realizing now that this is an important conversation that I have not thought enough about. What is the reason for this crudeness? Natalie and other YouTube vloggers dig into a discussion that taps into some deeper issues around misogyny, colonialism and Asian identity in the West.

Enjoy and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments:

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Dating. Yeah, for realz.

Sooooooooo I started online dating. For the first time EVER in my life.

Recently, a good friend set me up on a blind date. The guy was handsome, polite, had a good job, had good teeth, enjoyed traveling and had interests in personal development. It went well but there was zeeeeero chemistry.

Oh well.

I admit I’ve been thinking about what my potential future could look like. I’ve since thrown out the idea of moving to Ottawa, after my break-up in October, and the former dream of buying a home in the next 3-5 years. Ottawa was an affordable market  and I had daydreams of a little townhouse for 250-300K, but now, I’m back to a single income. While I have work in Kitchener-Waterloo, the housing market here is already inflated, so everything is out of my budget! And as an Occasional Teacher, a.k.a professional substitute teacher a.k.a underemployed educator, I don’t have the financial stability yet to even be seriously considered for a pre-approval*, nor would I be able to pass a stress-test.

Right now, I’ve got my own projects – YTT, my online course – and am slowly making friends in the city, people who actually text me back and invite me out! I put myself on a self-imposed “man ban” for the past 3 months after getting annoyed that men were hitting on me when all I wanted to do was MAKE SOME FRIENDS. Frustrated, I ended up hanging out with women or in large social groups; for the past three months, I had flat out refused to hang out with any man solo. No, nope, naaaaah. But when January rolled around, I decided to officially put myself out there… again.

What do I hope to achieve? Feel out what kind of guy I am looking for**, potentially make some new connections, renew my sense of confidence, learn about different parts of the city I’ve yet to explore*** and just have a whole lot of fun while dating.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to create an expectation like “I’d like to be in a relationship within this year”. I am enjoying being single. I’m enjoying not having to worry about anyone else’s priorities, needs or wants. I don’t have to feel guilty for going on a trip without my partner. I don’t have to make dinner for anyone else and can do whatever the fuck I want, all the time, with zero emotional baggage from another human being.

I haven’t really experienced much of that since I was 25 years old, so I’m going to take things slow, amazingly slooooooow, achingly, unbearably, uber slow. In the meanwhile, I am enjoying Matthew Hussey YouTube series (and I can pretty much stare at this man all day). Here’s a really good clip:


Thankfully, I’m not the type to sit around and mope at home (for more than 2 days, at least). I did that in October and November, but if you know me well, I get bored waaaaay too easily. I’m always on the hunt for something new to do or to learn about. I am far too curious a person to subject myself to isolation.

Yes, sometimes I do curl up with a hot tea or hot chocolate (almond milk, of course), crawl under my three blankets and dive into another episode of Black Mirror or The Crown. Yet I also crave interaction, so I’ve got a nice balance of going out and finding time for my introvert batteries to recharge.

Here’s a little secret, I currently have a guy who’s crushing on me. I had it go to my head for the last two days, listened to a podcast to bring my feet back to the ground, Lilly Singh also gave me a good slap in the face yesterday. Her videos are sassy and she’s such an amazing comedian that she puts it all into perspective:

I have a great laugh watching her videos, and what I’ve learned is that I am having fun learning about how all this dating stuff works. While I daydream about it, an actual long-term relationship doesn’t have much appeal right now. I briefly imagined what it would be like to commit and I had a visceral physical reaction from this thought experiment, as if all my newfound free was being whisked away. Ahhhhhhhh, it was frightening!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Who knows, that might change in 2 months or 4 months or 8. Just rolling with the punches, enjoying the freedom that I had never ever experienced before in my 30s … and yes, in the city!

That’s all I’ll divulge for now. I don’t normally write much about relationships but I haven’t written a personal update in a while.

*I had actually made an appointment with TD Canada and even had a fellow Bunzer walk me through all the steps for buying a home, which was very informative.

**I had recently reread relistened? to Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance. When asked what traits people look for in a partner, research shows we don’t end up with people who even match our criteria! Just keep an open mind!

***There are some really hip places hidden around these two cities … as a Torontonian, I am shocked.

Saying Bye to Mechanics

Just did a 1600 km round trip with my sister. We went to Val D’Or, Quebec to grab my old winter tires, get them swapped on and then drove the summer tires back. I said bye to some of my favourite mechanics and I was a bit sad. The people at Honda Val D’Or have been very good to me the past 4 years.

It was a good 3 day trip and it gave my sister and I a chance to catch up. We didn’t have any solo time together since the summer was so busy with relatives from Hong Kong and then I moved in September.

Feeling emotionally drained though, as I bumped into mutual friends and acquaintances during the trip. I ended up discussing and disclosing my break-up much more than I had intended, so I don’t plan on working much this week.

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Goodbye Party at D-Beatstro

Threw a little get-together on Wednesday, just before the move yesterday. Had a few friends come out to D-Beatstro, which is a vegan cafe / restaurant and community centre by Lansdowne Subway Station. It is wheelchair-accessible and queer-friendly, and formerly the space for Bike Pirates. Read about the BlogTO review here.

OMG! I love this place! I wish I had know about it before. Enjoyed a cheez and cauliflower soup with a buffalo-tofu wrap. The iced Americano was spot on too. Altogether 7 people showed up, and a few others weren’t able to make it. It’s nice to be see friends, even if it’s only once a year, and despite the distance and time apart, I feel honoured that they would come out to see me.

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Just had a wonderful time and even got two stickers ($3/each) from the shelf at the back. They sell t-shirts, zines, stickers and buttons. This was my favourite one, so I stuck it onto my bullet journal!

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Moving to Waterloo

Yesterday, I rented a cargo van from Discount for my move to Waterloo. This was my first time driving a cargo van, and while I was a bit nervous about a big vehicle, it was fine as I adjusted to it fairly quickly (also, everyone seems to move out of your way!). The coverage was:

  • 200 km inclusive, $0.20/additional km
  • Return with same amount of gas
  • Used my car insurance to cover for the rental

Altogether, the basic rental was $99.99 for a 24-hour period, returning the vehicle to the point of origin. I went over by 70 km, but since I had given them a bit more gas than there was to begin with, they didn’t charge me the extra mileage.

The move went fairly smooth. I asked a friend, B., to help me with the boxes. He was actually super helpful, because he was far more careful (and experienced) about packing the van than I was! I paid him with Indian food take-out – we had palak paneer, channa masala, basmati rice and some garlic naan ($19) and movie tickets to Dunkirk after we were done. I’d say that was a pretty good trade off to have a friend with the transition.

Brief Visit to the North

Back in Waskaganish briefly, as J. has finished his 5 weeks of vacation and is back at work. Yesterday afternoon, when we pulled in, we dropped by the supermarket. One of the mothers whose son is graduating came and gave me a big hug. She said that the diploma just arrived in the mail and that she’s planning on framing it. It was heartwarming to hear that from her.

After dinner, J. and I broke into his new copper mugs ($24.40) from Bath, Bed & Beyond. I gave them as his birthday present last week and we tested them out by making Moscow Mules. We didn’t have any mint on hand, but they were still pretty tasty! I also bought him a black Columbia rain jacket (on sale for $60.95), since he needed a new one. The next year will be long distance, but we believe we will make the best of it.

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Today, J. has gone to work and I am just packing a few more boxes up, stuff that didn’t make it to moving truck. Tomorrow, headed back south towards Montreal to visit a few more friends.

 

Counting Down the Days

I’m lying naked on the bathroom floor, after a hot bath, not feeling I’m quite ready for bed yet.

Been feeling a bit impatient, anxious for upcoming changes and yet still trying to cherish all the things I love about being here, which is mostly just my time. Specifically, my time with J. and my free time outside of work.

J. and I still laugh every day, and lately, it’s as if we’ve been laughing harder than ever. Like any other couple, there are things that drive us nuts about each other, but for the most part, we have fun. We’ve been walking  to work (if it’s not raining), ditching the car (if we aren’t doing a grocery pick up) and enjoying being able to see each other throughout the day (if we aren’t doing real work) since we are in the same building. Yet it will be very different for us in a month’s time. Or just forever. Who the fuck knows.

Of course, being a person who enjoys change and welcomes it, I know it would be absolute torture to be trapped in the same cycle forever. I can’t say that I’ve been very good at staying put in life; the fact that I’ve even been at the same job for 4 year is a record for me. Financing the Honda CRV was a good idea, as it gave me a financial ball-and-chain that would tie me to Canada. I just didn’t think that my relationship would have been an even better incentive.

What happens in the future is unknown. I’m happy in my relationship – although my family hears a disproportionate part of the parts that drives me absolutely batty – and I, ummmm …. well, we would like to make an effort to be together, despite the distance.

In the long range of things, there are lots of factors I can’t predict. The vision is to obviously land in an urban environment together and both be employed and happy, compromising where we need to based on the other’s needs. We’re trying to focus on the same target but yet the vision is blurred and both of us may be seeing it from different angles. We don’t know where we will land, although Ottawa has been discussed. The future is in unknown.

Officially, I will be leaving in 2 weeks. I’m not even packed yet and report cards are due Friday. Mentally, I’m sort of checked out at work, but still going through the motions and wrapping things up. I can’t say I care about too much at this point, as students are writing their exams and I don’t have to teach. If they’ve prepared themselves and studied, then they’ll do okay. If they’ve been apathetic for the past few months, it’s too late in the game to change anything.

So I’ve been distracting myself. I managed to finish season 6 of HBO Girls, generate more layouts for my new Leuchtturm1917, keep reading my British books and WhatsApp with my friends online. I mean, it’s not much more different than what usually happens, but perhaps waaaaay more TV time than I usually have. It’s not particularly exciting but it keeps me occupied.*

I’m hoping that at least, once the report card marks go in, I can breathe a bit.

I’m looking forward to it being Saturday!

*The original plan was to distract myself in the evenings with kayaking, but with a) the cool weather we’d been having and b) the lack of wetsuit, I’m not going into the Rupert River this week. The Hullavator, a.k.a. Metal Antlers, are still in the basement.

Shared Household Expenses

This morning, J. and I went through the mindful budgeting planner and noted down all the shared expenses.

Since having read Katy Bowman’s books and deciding that we would walk more frequently, we don’t need more than a tank of gas each month.

However, the shock came from our groceries in March. When I first got the planner, I it a point not to go to the supermarket frequently and did well with 3 or 4-day no-buy streaks. After a while though, I had forgotten about it. J. and I wandered in and out of the grocery store, as you can see.There are no malls to go here, in this tiny town for 2300 people, so the only place you can spend money out of boredom is the supermarket! As I reflect on the past month, I recall that we bought a lot of junk food after work and also picked up items for potlucks and birthday parties.*

We never made a budget the past four years that we’ve lived together up north, but we are going to discuss some possibilities for May and June. I’ll also be moving south, while J. stays north, so I’ll have to monitor my own spending when I move. I’m looking forward to some life changes, but I hate cooking for one. It’s so much easier when you share food, plus J. makes a great garbage can when I can’t finish my portions!

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*Since food is so expensive in the north, it’s expected that everyone contributes at parties.

Finding Your Network

Life has been pretty good. Work is good. Health is good. Diet is good. Family is good. The car is good. The turtle is good. The internet is annoyingly slow, but still good. The first season of Narcos has been good too. My crocheting skills aren’t good yet, but I can live with that.

While I have been doing well, I am coming up to some hard questions in my life – where do I go next? What’s in store for me? Will this be my last year in the north? If so, what will I face next year? And if so, what do I want? And what will get me there?

Needless to say, these questions and the discussion around these questions bring up a myriad of emotions. Some good, some bad. So while life has been good, I am bracing myself for some emotions that don’t necessarily feel so good.

This morning I felt like I was in a slump. It threw me for a loop and I headed into work a little later than usual to emotionally readjust. And I kept thinking, what is it that I so badly miss right now?

I miss my network.

However invisible they are in the day-to-day life, I miss my network IRL*. The people I WhatsApp when I am bored, the people whom I can have a laugh over internet memes with, the people that I chat with every week on Cody or Facebook (oddly, some I have never met in person). They are there and they hold me when I am in pieces. They lift me when I am sad. The affirm that I am of value and I mean something to them, to others, to the world. Their attention, in a gentle and caring way, give me strength. Their friendship and support give me love. Being far away means that sometimes I see them once every few months, or a couple of times a year or every three years. Yet invisible, they are still there.

And I can claim no success or be who I am right now without them. Likely, if you have been reading my blog for a while, you are one of them. And whether you know it or not, you keep me going and driven forward. As much as we all like to say, “I don’t care what others think of me,” we all need affirmation from others. We are social creatures and don’t do well alone. So while a lot of people are always in awe of the fact that I have been in the north, in a very isolated place, for the last 5 years, I could not have done it without my network. I could not have thrived and grown and matured and lived and loved without them.

I don’t really know how to end this post. I guess, on a morning where I am feeling alone, I just want to remind myself that I never really am.

*”In real life”

TEDx Talk – The Person You Really Need to Marry

It’s not unusual to feel some loneliness during the holidays, even while being surrounded by lots of people. You may be reminded of people who have passed away or friends that are no longer part of your life. There are a lot of expectations to be happy and sociable during this time of year and it’s not necessarily natural to wear a smile every single day at all hours of the day.

Naturally, being an introvert / ambivert, I was doing pretty well hanging out with people the past couple of days, but was begging for some solo recharge time tonight. So I took a super long nap, had a homecooked meal that my mom made and wandered the bookstore for an hour.

And you know what?

It was great! I had such a fun time wandering the aisles and checking out everything. It was the perfect evening for me.

Having said that, I won’t comment too much about this TEDx Talk, except that I’m pretty committed to the person that I am going to marry have already married.